How To Fail At Cus­tomer Support

Noth­ing says ‘We Don’t Care!’ bet­ter than a canned re­sponse. All re­sponses be­low be­long to the same sup­port ticket.

Mes­sage 1

Thank you for con­tact­ing xxx Cus­tomer Service.

We have re­ceived your mes­sage and will re­spond within 24 hours.

As a sub­scriber, you are very im­por­tant to us. If we can be of fur­ther as­sis­tance, please let us know.

Mes­sage 2

Thank you for con­tact­ing xxx Cus­tomer Service.

We are un­able to lo­cate your sub­scrip­tion by your email ad­dress. Please send your com­plete name and ad­dress that you used to sign up to xxx Digital.

Once we re­ceive this in­for­ma­tion, we will be able to as­sist you.

If we can be of fur­ther as­sis­tance, please let us know.

Mes­sage 3 (huh? I sent you that in­for­ma­tion al­ready)

Thank you for con­tact­ing xxx Cus­tomer Service.

We are un­able to lo­cate your sub­scrip­tion by your email ad­dress. Please send your com­plete name and ad­dress that you used to sign up to xxx Digital.

Once we re­ceive this in­for­ma­tion, we will be able to as­sist you.

If we can be of fur­ther as­sis­tance, please let us know.

Mes­sage 4 (huh? It’s a dig­i­tal prod­uct, ac­cord­ing to the or­der con­fir­ma­tion with im­me­di­ate access.)

Thank you for con­tact­ing xxx Cus­tomer Service.

We do not lo­cate your sub­scrip­tion at this time. Please al­low up to 48 hours for your or­der to process. Please ac­cept our apolo­gies for any in­con­ve­nience caused, and thank you for the op­por­tu­nity to be of service.

If we can be of fur­ther as­sis­tance, please let us know.

Mes­sage 5 (huh? I al­ready emailed you 5 times, and now I need to email you again in 2 days to re­mind you?)

Thank you for con­tact­ing xxx Cus­tomer Service.

We re­gret to in­form you that your or­der has not yet been processed. We are un­able to as­sist you with ac­cess or re­fund your money un­til your or­der is received.

It can take up to 48 hours from the time you place your or­der for it to ap­pear on our system.

Please con­tact us at the time for fur­ther assistance.

If we can be of fur­ther as­sis­tance, please let us know.